Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend - A Good Idea?

It's one of the most common questions asked immediately following any break up: is it a good idea to stay friends with your ex? If your boyfriend dumps you and wants to stay in touch, it's it better to remain friendly than to lose him altogether? Learn the pros and cons of keeping your exboyfriend in your life, even after the two of you have decided to go your separate ways.

Ex Boyfriend Friends

Okay, so he broke up with you. But you can still remain friends, right?

I mean, you already have a lot in common. You love the same things. You know each other very well, and you're closer to him than you are to most other people.

So why not be friends with an ex boyfriend? Especially if you want your ex back, this is a great way of staying in touch, knowing what he's doing, and being prepared to strike when the moment is right. Right?

Ummmm... no, not exactly.

The Problems With Staying Friends After the Breakup

One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that they can stay friends with someone they dated after that person breaks up with them. Some of it is due to false hope. Some of it is because you want to overcome feelings of being rejected. Some of it is really bad internet advice, given to you by smiling, optimistic people who say "Heyyyy! You and your ex can still be friends! By working together, you can make the friendship work!" Blah.

Do you still have feelings for your boyfriend? Do you love him? Would you rather be dating him than be his "buddy"? Then why on Earth would you agree to be friends with him! Is it because you honestly feel that staying close and keeping in contact will increase the chances that he'll want you back? Or is it because knowing where he is and keeping tabs on him will help you know when he's interested in dating someone else?

Maybe you just want to keep talking, emailing, and text-messaging your ex, thinking that constant communication will soften the blow of the break up. Yes, all three of those reasons are very common. But none of them are good ideas.

As tough as it is to hear, you need to know this:

Friendship is NOT the way to get back your ex boyfriend. Ever.

Being Friends with an Ex is a One-Way Street

Trying to stay friendly after breaking up is only going to delay the pain of losing your boyfriend. Not only that, it's bound to make it even worse. By staying in your ex's life even after he dumps you, you're privy to all of his social activities. You know when he goes out, where he goes out, and who he goes with. Worst of all, you get a front row seat when he starts dating a new girlfriend... and watching this will feel like twisting a knife in your stomach.

If you're hoping that the friends with ex boyfriend road is going to somehow lead to reconciliation, you're dead wrong. It's only going to lead to your ex feeling more and more comfortable in his new role. What role is that you ask? The one where he gets to laugh with you, hang out with you, have fun with you, and maybe even sleep with you... all while having the freedom to go out, date other people, and get a new girlfriend.

Can't Be Friends With Ex

If that sounds like it sucks, it's because it does suck. Sitting around in a pretend frienship when you'd really rather be dating your exboyfriend is like digging a hole and burying yourself. Instead of becoming closer to him again, you'll become further and further removed from his life, his thoughts, and his social calendar.

To your ex, you'll eventually become invisible. You'll be "that girl he used to date who still likes him" - and everyone will know it. It's a pitiful, depressingly needy role, and you should want none of it. The more desperate you come off to your ex, the less respect he has for you... and you can't ever get back an ex boyfriend without first having that respect from him.

Even the people who say they're still friends with an ex after breaking up with them are in total denial. Either they truly don't want their ex back (in which case their ex probably still wants them...) or they're lying to themselves about their true feelings. In many cases, their ex has written them off - they've become so hopeless enmeshed in The Friend Zone that they have absolutely no hope of ever getting back together.

So what do they do? They lie. They've deluded themselves for so long, they don't even understand where they are. Desperately they still want to be "in" with this person they once dated. So they tell you stuff like:

"Oh yeah... my ex and I are great friends!
We managed to make it work!"

Yeah, okay.

If you take nothing else away from reading all this, let it be this one piece of advice: Never substitute friendship for the REAL, full-blown relationship that you'd rather be having with your boyfriend.

Sitting back in the friendship role is like being put on the sidelines and taken out of the game. Your ex gets to play the field, bat around a little, and decide if he can find someone else better than you. Maybe he calls you back in the game for an inning or two... but maybe he doesn't. Odds are NOT in your favor when you try the friends with ex boyfriend role.

What Should I Do When Your My Ex Wants To Stay Friends With Me?

Actually, the answer's pretty easy: you refuse. You tell him nicely and politely that you just can't do it. When your boyfriend asks why, tell him that you love him too much to sit back in some half-assed Limbo where you "pretend" to be his buddy. Either he dates you or he doesn't see you anymore - those are his choices. By forcing your ex to pick between being with you as a girlfriend and not having you in his life at all, you're standing up for yourself and refusing to be placed into some pseudo-relationship. Then kiss him on the cheek, wish him well, and walk away.

Oh, and if you've already broken up? You can still pull this move. Learn exactly what to say (and how to contact him again) by checking out this critical opening move. (A very short video, but WELL worth it!)

Chances are pretty good that your ex won't like this one bit. He's expecting to stay friends with you so he can soften the break up for himself. By letting you go little by little instead of all at once, he's making things easy for him. He's not taking your feelings into account one bit, but he doesn't see it that way. What he's doing is actually kind of selfish. But if you really want your boyfriend back? You need to make him realize that he loves and needs you. And the only way to do that is to go away.

Break Up Reversed EXBOYFRIEND

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and there is no absense when it comes to being friends with your exboyfriend. If you're sitting around calling him, texting him, and writing on his Facebook wall... your ex has no chance to ever miss you.

Think about that for a second. Hell, I even think there's a song entitled "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

Your boyfriend also has no incentive to want you back, because he already has you! You never left his life, so he's going to keep you around as a friend while he decides if there's anyone else he'd rather date. You need to steer clear of this situation no matter what happens.

Okay, I'll Admit That I Want My Boyfriend Back... What Now?

Well for one, stop listening to shiny happy people who tell you that you can somehow be friends with an ex boyfriend. Stop thinking that being his buddy will get you closer to him. Stop thinking that you can replace your romance with friendship as a temporary solution, and that your exboyfriend will somehow magically "come around" and want you again.

In short, stop all this wishful thinking and start working on a comprehensive, step by step plan for winning your man back.

As with everything you'll do in this life, having a plan before you begin working on something will always make the process easier and more successful.

Ex Factor Boyfriend