The 6 Biggest Myths of Staying Friends With Your Ex
When your boyfriend breaks up with you, it's easy to latch onto any sort of contact. You're too upset to be thinking clearly, and so to keep seeing him, you might even agree to remain 'friends'.
On the surface, this seems like a great idea. You don't need to let go of him completely, and already you're thinking about ways you can go from being friends with your ex to being his girlfriend again.
Most people will attempt the breakup-friendship at one time or another in their lives. But usually, when they do, they have one thing in common:
They're really doing it because they'd like to get back together again.
Here's where you need to be honest with yourself. Is friendship all you really want right now? Or are you trying to win back your exboyfriend's heart again? If it's the latter instead of the former, you'll need to understand a few things.
First, it's very difficult to make the jump from friends BACK to lovers again. Sure, it does happen (mostly in movies, but it does happen). But it's a lot less likely than if you just worked on fixing the breakup from a position outside of friendship.
That's because being on the inside is tough. There are a ton of pitfalls to remaining friends with your ex, and most of them you probably haven't considered yet. Right now you're still in love with the idea of still talking to, seeing, and even hanging out with your ex - even if it is just as a 'friend'. But that's where things get sticky.
Below is a list of the six biggest miconceptions people have about what a post-breakup friendship will be like. Read up on them, and decide if staying close with your ex in this type of role is what you really and truly want.
MYTH #1: As 'Friends' You'll Still Stay in Touch
Not even close. Because as much as YOU will try to stay in contact with your ex boyfriend, it'll never be anywhere near the level of communication you once had with him before.
As contact drops off, you'll feel bad. As he doesn't answer your texts immediately (like he did when you were dating), you'll feel rejected. Eventually you'll start getting resentful, as if he's not taking the friendship as serious as you. And here's where the trouble starts.
Communicating with a friend should be a two-way street. In this case, you'll start feeling weird about calling or texting him. You'll feel as if you're bothering him, or even a bit stalkerish. And this type of behavior will make you look bad, especially if your ultimate goal is to make him want you again.
MYTH #2: As 'Friends' You Can Still Hang Out
Think you can really see your ex as much as you did when you were still dating? Of course not. Which means that all of a sudden, the amount of face-time you get with each other is cut significantly. Almost down to nothing, in some cases.
On top of that, you'll never feel anywhere near as comfortable around your ex as you did before. That's because you once dated, and now as friends the entire dynamic of the relationship has changed. Also, you were the "loser" of the breakup. Which means you'll always feel slightly inferior while you're hanging around with him.
When you're hanging with a group, it'll make you sick. That's because you still love him, and you don't want him moving on with his life without you. So you'll watch him closely. You'll analyze every tiny piece of his body language. And any time he even speaks to another girl? You'll pretty much want to throw up.
If you're hanging out with him alone, it'll be less awkward but no less miserable. Here's where you have to pretend to be his 'friend' when all you really want to do is kiss him. You'll have to sit next to him, when you'd rather be on top of him. And all of those feelings you still have for him? He can sense them. There's no way to hide them because you simply love him too much.
Sex is another issue. It would be pretty easy for your ex boyfriend to sleep with you at this point, and even easier for you to think it means something. And yes, while in some cases it might, in others it's nothing more than a bonus night of meaningless sex for him. Which in turn will leave you feeling emotionally taken advantage of.
Remember, if you still have feelings for someone you should never be apologetic about it. Trying to hide or suppress those feelings won't get you any closer to getting back together, and the longer you see your ex as 'just a friend' the closer you'll get to the point where that's all you'll EVER be.
MYTH #3: Being 'Friends' Allows You to Monitor Your Ex's Social Life
Again, no. Because while staying friends will invariably get you close enough to know some of what's going on in your ex boyfriend's life? So many OTHER parts will remain a total mystery because you're simply not around him as much.
Worse, you can't even ask about these things. Keep pushing for details, and he'll accuse you of prying. As a non-girlfriend, you're no longer entitled to know where he goes, what he does, and who he does these things with. All you can do is nod and smile, like the good little 'friend' that you are.
In short, knowing some of the things your former boyfriend is up to is worse than knowing nothing at all. And when he starts a new relationship again? There's a very good chance you'll be the last to know.
As an exgirlfriend, he'll try to protect you from that knowledge for as long as possible. He'll try to hide it for a number of reasons, which is something he wouldn't do from any one of his other friends.
Worse than anything else, when your boyfriend does start dating someone new? You'll have a front row seat. You'll have to sit there and pretend to be happy for him, even as it tears you up inside. You might even have to act as a sounding board, as he comes to you for your 'sage advice'. After all, you're his friend AND you're a girl, so therefore you must know everything.
This whole scenario will give you the worst feeling in the world; seeing someone you're still in love with move on without you. So even if he does let you into this part of his social circle? You'll wish you weren't there anyway.
Should I Stay Friends With My Ex Boyfriend - Part II
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